


Intermission

by Kisaaoi



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Bad Ideas, Bad Puns, Dialogue, Funny, Humor, Modern Character in Thedas, Multi, Not Beta Read, Random - Freeform, Self-Insert, Snapshots, Songfic, Stupidity, This isn’t fancy, puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 15:39:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7720375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kisaaoi/pseuds/Kisaaoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Need a quick laugh? Looking for an idea?<br/>Here are some tiny little self-insert snapshots of reactions I would have if I found myself in Thedas. They are random and not in any order. Written for my own amusement.</p><p>Feel free to use any and all ideas in Your own writing! I don't mind at all! :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nope

“We call it the Breach. It's a massive tear-”

“NOPE.” I turned and started walking back into the Chantry, both Cassandra and the future Inquisitor looking bemused.

“Where are you going?” Cassandra demanded.

“I'm going to hop on the nope train to fuck-that-ville. PEACE OUT.”

“Get back here, prisoner!”


	2. I Don't Have To Explain

“What in the-?! How does that work?” Dorian gasped, staring at her iPod as it played a song.

“It's called an iPod. It plays music and-”

“Yes, yes, but how?”

“Um....i don't know-”

“Is it magic?”

“...yes.”

“.....Somehow I don't think you're being honest with me.”

“I don't know! Sure! It's magic! I don't have to explain shit.”


	3. Wolf Puns

I walked into the room to see Solas sitting at his desk, tea cup filled and long since gone cold. I nudged it with my finger a bit.

“Not a big fan of tea or was this particular brew just...DREADFUL?”

“Stop, Da'lin.”

“Oh, I'm sorry. Was that in bad taste? Am I BARKING up the wrong tree? Maybe I should take myself for a walk.”

“Fenhedis lasa.”


	4. Trespasser: Questions

Trespasser: Solas reveal

“Solas?”

He turns around, and sees us both standing there.

“I suspect you have questions.”

The Inquisitor made to step forward but I beat them to it.

There was NO WAY I was passing up this opportunity.

I held up a finger and said calmly, “Why, yes, we do. First of all,” I threw my hands out on either side of me and shouted, “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!”


	5. New Armor

"Dorian, what's the worst fabric in your opinion?"

"Oh, that would be plaidweave, my dear. Why do you ask?"

"I'm making Solas some new armor."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yes."

"That is a terrible, horrible, foolish idea. Can I help?"


	6. A-Dorian-Bull (Adorable)

“I can't even begin to tell you how adorable I think it is!” I gushed to Dorian, who was valiantly trying to hide his blush behind his book.

His eyebrow rose a smidgen, “Adorable? Have you _seen_ Bull? Adorable is not the term I would use.”

“Of course not. I can think of several terms you would use. None appropriate for polite conversation, mind you.” He suddenly had a coughing fit, finally putting the book down on his lap. I giggled as he composed himself.

“Enough about my private life. What about you, my dear? Has anyone caught your eye? A secret paramour, perhaps?”

“Oh, Dorian, you know I only have eyes for you!”

“Everyone has eyes for me, my dear. Even the unattached ones. However, I thought you might be interested in our resident Fade Mage. He seems your type.”

“Pffffft! _Hell no_!”

His eyebrow raised again. “Really?”

“Yes, really. I know how that story ends. I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole.”

 


	7. Avoiding The Egg

I had come to terms with the fact that the stupid fucking egg was attractive as all get out, and the only way I was going to retain my sanity was to stay as far away from him as I could. Every time we spoke, his intelligence drew me in, like a suicidal moth to a flame.

 

His passion for learning, the Fade, and magic.

His wit and sarcasm.

Even his _fucking_ voice.

 

Everything about him drew me in.

 

 

I had managed to stay away from him for a few days, always coming up with an excuse to leave before he could really say anything to me.

 

Damn him and his stupid sexy voice.

 

I was just heading to my room when-

 

“Ah, da'lin. I was hoping to speak-”

“Oh, God damn it, not you again.”

“Excuse me?”

 


	8. Don't Mine at Night

We were heading into the Deep Roads. The inquisitor had brought Varric, of course, cause we can't give the poor guy a break.

Anyway, I decided to be an ass.

"Got my sword with Sharpness II." I sang. "Look, that Zombie's got one too!"

"What?" Varric nearly yelled, looking around.

I continued. "Out of bread, what do I do? I'm low on hearts, this is my doom!" The inquisitor rolled their eyes at me as we walked along. I continued to sing, only stopping to let the inky talk to the dwarf.

"My life flashes by through that Ender Eye, I'm scared! Oh well." Then we got down to the part of the Roads where I knew an Ogre was going to pop out. "And I'm pretty sure there's a big Creeper right there!" On cue, an monsterous Ogre emerged to let out a defening roar. "...Oh Dang."

"I hate the Deep Roads." Varric stated, loud enough for all to hear. 

I took out my weapon and began attacking, still singing. "Don't mine at night! I know you're lookin' at that cave, and you're feelin' kinda brave. Go to bed you'll be alright! Don't mine at night!" I got knocked back by the Ogre and stopped, cursing. We attacked 'till it was defeated. Then, heading deeper in, came face to face with dwarves and a horde of Darkspawn. "Don't go deeper, make a change. Get that gold and get away! Zombies wanna' eat our brains! Don't mine at night!" 

"While that's sound advice, (INSERT NICK-NAME HERE), do you really need to sing it?" Varric yelled over the growls of the zom- er, darkspawn. I smirked, tearing through a few of them. 

"I'll fight away the skeletons while you're looking for diamonds. They're getting closer, better run! Don't mine at night!" I finish by taking out a dagger from my belt and flinging it at a...THEY LOOK LIKE ZOMBIES, OKAY?! I'm calling them such. I toss the dagger at the zombie that was about to land a hit on the Inquisitor. The blade didn't make contact, but it hit hard enough to make it stumble, giving the Inquisitor a opening to strike.

"No, this won't be our final day! Take my hand, we'll find a way-ay a-woah-oh!"

"Enough with the singing!" The other companions yelled in sync. 

"Don't mine at night." I said after a moment.

"UGH!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for the song goes here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_TMtgjQuZI
> 
> I totally sang this song the ENTIRE time I played the Deep Roads. >:D


	9. He's old

"I sense an artifact of my people nearby."

"You _are_ an artifact of your people," I grumble.

"Excuse me?"

"What, need a hearing aid?"

"....."

"You. Are. OLD."

Sera giggles in the background.


	10. Humpty Dumpty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cause who doesn't love a good egg pun?
> 
> Apparently Solas.

Solas was sitting on a stone half-wall just outside of the camp, meditating or something. Varric had tried to get his attention several times, but to no avail. For the last 20 minutes or so, he sat stock still, and everyone forgot him.

Except me.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall," I sang quietly, approaching him from behind. Then, I shoved him off the wall. He gave a yelp as he landed on his hands and knees, "Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!"

Solas quickly turned around, a snarl marring his expression, "I tire of your childish games!" 

"What did Sparky do now?" Varric asked, a chuckle breaking through his words.

"Cracked an egg," I answered, "and all the king's horses and all the king's men won't be able to put him back together again."

"The king's horses?" Questioned Varric as I walked away, as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.


	11. The Mountain Path

"Hey, you know how you never really know how you're going to a react to a situation until you're in it?" I said as I gazed up at the path ahead, "Turns out I'm afraid of heights. And rickety ass ladders on a cliff side. Did I mention heights?"

  
The Herald moved to climb the first ladder, but I stopped them with a hand on their arm.

"Wait! Let Solas go first."

  
"Why?" The asked, everyone looking at me curiously.

"Nothing would make me happier than if the ladder collapsed while he was on it."

"What?! Why?"

I looked straight at Solas and said, "Karma."


	12. Well well well

We stood at the edge of the well of sorrows, the Inquisitior faced with a choice. They turned to me, “your advice has helped many times before. What do you think?”  
I shrugged before looking at Morrigan. “You do you, but if you can be a dragon: always be a dragon.”  
“What?”  
“Go drink the really old water, Crazy Eyes.”  
When Morrigan started towards the well, I added, “Do a cannon ball!”


End file.
